


Life is Such a Wonderful Waste of Time

by WhiskeyAndStout



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-23
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:14:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22868464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiskeyAndStout/pseuds/WhiskeyAndStout
Summary: Higgs is sent back, and Sam nurses him back to health. Because helping is what Sam Bridges does.
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan
Comments: 11
Kudos: 144





	1. I've Got the Spirit, but Lose the Feeling

Bridget, or Amelie, Strand always talked a whole lot about Strands. Was that even her real name, or just a theatrical one to emphasize her goals? Who really knew anything about that woman.

For himself, Higgs always felt held back by what the real, honest to God truth was.  
But those strands she always talked about, the ones that bound people together? He never saw the importance in them. They weren't tethers bringing people together to live out some happy family bullshit, they were shackles imprisoning people to this crushing nightmare. That's why he sought out the final end. To put an end to all of this suffering, and all of the strands. 

Maybe he had a little bit of a bias against those strands, sure.  
The ones still gripping at his heart and making him question every damn thing he did, every person he killed, every step toward Amelie's plan. Strands pulling each other in different directions, fighting for loyalty and control over his body and mind.  
Some old, some new. Some he could hardly feel anymore, and some that threatened to rip his heart clean out.  
Even in death, there was no escape. He saw that in the BTs: groaning, needing things reaching out for just an ounce of that tethered connection. To hold hands. To feel known.  
But only one person told him that there was a way out. A final goal for him to reach to free himself and everyone else of those damned strands. The sixth extinction. 

And then that strand, that very same Strand that promised him an escape from all of this rinse and repeat bullshit, ended up abandoning him and his relief all the same. But her chord was still there, stabbing through his chest like a spear, pinning him between the Beach and the world of the living. That godforsaken thread, once a promise, now just another disappointment piled on to all the rest.

It wasn't Higgs' intention to waste away there for long, lying on his back on the sand, covered in blood and tar, staring up at that eternal steel-grey sky.  
He still had a way out, now, but only for himself. His trusty rifle lay at his side, just within reach and just where Fragile had left it. An easy way out, one that would cut all of the strands in one single stroke. It wouldn't do anybody else any good, but apparently everyone else, even Amelie, had chosen to keep going, while he lay left behind.  
Alone. Stranded.  
His strings bound him to others but without any of the good that would usually come from it. It was torture, and not the kind he liked. This was something altogether too cruel, too cold.

He just wanted--

A laugh, raspy and broken, crackled out of his throat. The thought that occurred to him seemed so ridiculous, so pathetic, but at the same time tickled him enough to actually go through with it. Make it his last little joke. His last tug at one of the only strands he cared to reach.  
Maybe he wasn't as ready to go as he once thought now that the very end was staring him right in the face; the placid, uncaring hands of Death creeping up on him every second he lied on that fucking Beach. 

So he accessed the Chiral Network, and put in one last order, and one last message to a certain porter he could never seem to get out of his head. The man whose strand always made his heart ache, almost more than any other, for reasons Higgs could never really figure out. One damn strand he maybe wasn't ready to sever, not just yet. 

Oh, how to be human was to suffer.

Sometimes life just never seemed to want to leave you alone when you really wanted it to. Or, in this case, even death. 

The delay of the sixth extinction, everything with Amelie and the UCA, Cliff… all of it had drained Sam more than he ever thought was possible. It was all too much, all at once. The connection to Amelie was gone, and even though she was the only person he gave a shit about for the longest time, it turned out he had hardly known who she was to begin with. 

Cliff.  
Sam was haunted by the name ever since he returned from the dead by the help of his… friends? He didn't know how deeply he really felt about most of them. Deadman seemed really attached to him; Fragile too. And of course he cared about them, too, but it wasn't the same. He couldn't really understand them, and they never really seemed to understand him. There was a gap in-between them, even without his phobia of touch, that always seemed to keep them at a distance. 

He thought often about Cliff and Lisa. What it might've been like to be a normal person, raised by parents who would've done--who did do anything to protect him. A true, endless love that he had only began to comprehend once, before all of it was snuffed out in a void out.  
Lucy.  
One tragedy after the other. 

In a private room, he cradled the BB pod in his arms. Lou had her hands pressed to the glass and smiled at him, her large eyes peering up at him.  
This was love, Sam thought. This was enough to keep him going.  
Lou babbled and floated around aimlessly. Would she survive outside of the pod? Was it even possible?  
Sam didn't want to think too deeply about it just yet. There was already too damn much to worry about, to dread.  
It was enough that she was there at all, that they were together and safe.

A ping alerted him to a new message, but he ignored it, tapping on the glass and playing with Lou for a while.  
Besides, it was the early morning. Anyone who would want his attention this early must be an asshole.  
And speaking of assholes, another alert told him he had a special order requested specifically for him to deliver. It was 6 AM for God's sake.

Lou finally tired of playing, and stretched her tiny arms and yawned. She curled up into a ball, overcome by sleep.  
Sam yawned too, and then smiled at her before putting her in her little synchronization cradle. 

He went over to the wall displaying the UCA map to check on what this early, urgent order could possibly be. Sam didn't really enjoy doing urgent orders anymore, preferring to take his time and enjoy the isolation and the physical exertion. He only really did them to keep his mind off of all the terrible things he'd witnessed, and also because he didn't know what else to do with his life. This is what he'd always done. This is who he was: a porter.  
The only order that specifically requested himself was from Peter Englert, for a pizza. Squinting at the screen irritably, Sam thought there must be something wrong. The man who'd been using that name, who'd been bugging him to send further and further deliveries, was, to his knowledge, as dead as could be. Maybe this was an old order.  
However, written clear as day was the current date, set to only a few minutes ago when the chime had gone off.  
Feeling a surge of anxiety, Sam tapped on his recent messages.  
There it was. A message from "Peter Englert." One final request for pizza.  
Sam's pulse sped up as he read the mail, his eyes wide in shock and confusion. How could he send this shit from the Beach? Why?  
Despite the floral writing, and unlike the other messages he'd received from this name, there was no attempt to hide the true identity of the sender.  
"Higgs Monaghan," Sam finally read the last line out loud, dumbfounded.  
Well, then.


	2. Worn Out

There was no way in hell Sam was about to bring a stupid pizza all the way from the Veteran Porter's place to Higgs' shelter, but he couldn't deny his morbid curiosity about seeing what it was like in there.   
It still seemed strange to him that he would think to open his shelter and send him a message from the Beach. The possibility that Higgs had no one else he cared to contact besides himself from what is practically the afterlife gave him an odd feeling, something between empathy and nostalgia. Shaking it off and making up his mind, he set off to get ready to investigate. 

"Oh, you're still alive."  
Amelie's voice rang clear and emotionless over the sounds of the surf, and it made Higgs jump in surprise. He turned his head to see the ethereal blonde woman approach him, her eyes sad but disinterested. Far away.  
"Couldn't do it, huh?"  
She looked at the gun, still in the same spot on the sand for who knows how long.   
"I seem to remember you couldn't either," Higgs spat with unexpected venom. Until that moment, he hadn't realized just how bitter he had become.   
Amelie narrowed her eyes, and after a pause, let out a soft laugh.  
"Such nasty words from a man near eternal death," She said, now hunching over beside him with uncaring, steely eyes. "Perhaps if you'd followed your own strands, you would have understood why I did what I did."  
Higgs grimaced at her before continuing to gaze up at the overcast sky.   
After a long pause filled with nothing but the sounds of the waves lapping onto the shore, churning without end, Amelie spoke again.  
"I know I've wronged you. I took you under my wing because I knew exactly what you were, what you could be. It was a mistake, I think. There are some strands worth living for."  
"Not for everyone. Not for me."  
Amelie's placid eyes gazed upon him again with a slightly compassionate expression.  
"If that's true, then why reach out for them?"  
Higgs was simultaneously surprised and not at all surprised that she knew. Of course she knew. How couldn't she?  
"It seems to me that you have three choices. The gun, of course, makes two of them. You could do it yourself, or I could."  
Higgs swallowed thickly, his throat suddenly feeling as if it was closing up.  
"Or, I could just send you back. A wanted terrorist who kidnapped the President, no friend or partner left on Earth. No more connection to the other side."  
"There's nothing for me there, either way. I should just die here," Higgs muttered.  
"But is that really the truth?" Amelie wondered aloud, her hand gliding over the air just above his heart, fingers gently plucking the invisible strands. Higgs could feel it vibrate his very soul.   
"No one wants me back."  
The extinction entity hummed doubtfully at that statement too, suddenly pinching a specific strand and giving it a gentle tug. A searing pain went through Higgs' chest and he cried out.  
"What's this, then? A connection."  
"It's nothing," Higgs sobbed, overcome with exhaustion and pain.  
"No. He can feel it, too."  
"That's… impossible."  
"I wonder."  
Amelie stared at him with a calculating but oddly human expression.   
Higgs began reaching for the gun, but stopped as she touched his hand. She had pressed something into his palm, and it glittered with chiralium when he looked over at it.  
"What are you doing?" He raised his voice into a fevered pitch, suddenly overcome with panic.  
"I'm sending you back."  
"No! Stop, I don't want to go back! Just let me die! I can't do this shit anymore!"  
Despite Higgs' desperate pleas, she held his hand tightly, her eyes closed in concentration, until the Quipu responded to a certain ping in the mortal world.  
"No! Amelie!" Higgs begged, at the same time as she murmured, "There he is."  
And with a flourish of chiralium, he was gone.

A sense of dread but excited curiosity filled Sam as he approached Peter Englert's prepper shelter. Every other time he had come here, he'd been pissed at having to deliver so far away only to get so little in return, and been even more pissed once he realized who was the man behind it all.   
He patted Lou's pod gently as if for courage, after which she gurgled and babbled.   
"Thanks, kid."  
Rounding to the terminal, he saw that the door was indeed open, yellow light illuminating a stairway within.   
Apprehensively, still unsure whether or not this was some kind of trap, Sam made his way down the stairs as quietly as possible and walked slowly into the main room.  
"Oh-- ooh, shit," Sam exhaled, his heart dropping to his stomach.  
There were so many damn pictures of him. All over the walls.  
Red string connected tons of papers for God knows what reason all over the giant bulletin boards that took over most of the cramped bunker's walls.  
Frenzied writing all over the place. Some about Higgs himself, about Amelie, about pizza, about Fragile… about Sam. The porter shivered, a sense of foreboding coming over him.   
"Jesus Christ," Sam grumbled, stepping further into the room.  
He knew this guy was sick, but this was… something else.  
Higgs must've been stalking him for months. Years. There were even photos of him with his old Porter outfit before he rejoined Bridges. Of him in the Hot Springs. Of him holding BB. Of him wrecking a bike.   
Pizza boxes were piled up among books and papers. Among some of the mess, next to a bust of King Tut on the desk, was a memory chip of all things. Sam took it and pocketed it, still looking around, his heart pounding.   
This was… too real. The Higgs he had chosen to know was just a volatile and evil guy, charismatic and charming like a comic book villain. It was easy to hate someone who you just assumed being an asshole was the extent of their character.   
But this?   
This was the shelter of a man spiraling out of control of his mind. Sickness and trauma spoke in every letter on the wall, every photo.   
Sam glanced at the memory chip again, wondering what its contents could contain.   
Lou let out a whimper and Sam looked down to find Lou staring up at him, her lip curled in sadness.   
"Yeah. Let's get out of here."  
The discomfort from having seen a little too deep into that particular brand of madness failed to leave Sam as he fed the memory chip into the terminal outside, like it had wrapped itself around him somehow. 

When Sam had rushed away as soon as he could, trying to quickly put distance between himself and that awful place, he found himself going into the private room of a safe house that he'd set up nearby a long time ago. Although his morbid curiosity should have been more than satisfied, when he finally set himself down to relax in the room, he immediately went to check what the new memory chip had gotten him 

Journal entries, part of a series of which he had already obtained a small part.   
The unknown porter.  
"Fuck me," Sam grunted, opening up the first of the newest journal entries he'd gotten.  
Yup, it was a direct continuation of the last entries. That kind porter. Sam's stomach knotted up and he frowned as he read through the entries. The amount of sympathy he felt almost sickened him as much as the cold, bleak outlook on life and humanity described in the later entries. How quickly Amelie and hunger for power turned him into what he became.  
And then he got to the last ones, about his childhood.   
"No fuckin' wonder."  
It got him thinking back to their last encounters and how Higgs treated him. As if everything they did was part of a game, as if life really meant nothing in the end. He only ever wanted to…

Sam shook his head, trying to clear it of these awful revelations, and exited out of the journal entries.  
He laid down on the bed, cuffing himself to it as usual. It was 8 AM and he should be out delivering, but his entire body felt as exhausted as if he'd already worked a full day.  
Lou yawned from her pod and Sam gazed at the orange light, his eyes growing heavier until he drifted off into darkness.


	3. Silent Faulty Feeling

It couldn't have been 20 minutes before Sam jerked awake, startled by the sound of an alert that someone was on or near the safehouse, and they were armed. It wasn't an altogether unusual occurrence; once in a while a porter would walk over them on their travels. But the alarm kept going, and Sam was too damn tired and emotionally exhausted to allow it to continue any longer. Grumbling to himself, he put on his boots and jacket just in case and went up the elevator to give whoever that was a piece of his mind.

At first, he didn't see anyone, and wondered in annoyance if there was some bug in this safe house's system.   
But then he spotted it. Him.  
His breath left his lungs in shock as he saw the figure clad in all black lying on the ground right against the safe house. At first, he wondered if he was even alive.  
Rounding the corner to see him straight on, Sam still couldn't believe his eyes. Higgs was definitely alive, just lying there breathing and wheezing shallowly, unconscious but still alive.  
Getting over the initial shock, Sam figured he had somehow found a way to leave the Beach on his own, and perhaps that had been how he'd sent him that message. But why did he just pass out here? He looked exactly like he'd seen him last: covered in tar and blood, huge bruises decorating his face. That was at least, what, a month ago?  
For a moment he weighed his options, still feeling the weight of those journal entries heavily on his heart.   
Sam didn't want to have any more to do with the past he'd left behind after all of that UCA bullshit. Even more, he didn't want to have anything more to do with what he'd seen at that nightmare shelter. But, looking down at his old nemesis' broken form, there was something tugging at his heart that he couldn't deny.   
Unsure if it was just pity, sympathy, or something more, Sam made up his mind before it could start raining on them, and squatted down near the taller man and hauled him onto his back to carry him onto the elevator. His body was incredibly hot and heavy, and Sam wondered if it was from being out in the sun or from fever.  
Higgs groaned softly, his voice scratchy and deep, but otherwise didn't show any other signs of consciousness.

As Sam entered the room with a big man in an even bigger black cloak on his back, Lou started freaking out and whining, pounding her little fists on the glass.  
"Lou, Relax. Shh-shh. It's okay. Everything's okay. I think," he panted, and finally put Higgs down in the shower.   
Lou babbled in a worried tone, still staring suspiciously.  
Higgs whimpered as Sam put the back of his hand to his forehead, recoiling slightly.  
"Yep. Fever. And a bad one."  
Sam huffed out a sigh and procrastinated on what he knew he had to do.  
"Lou. Um. Look away. Go night-night."  
Squatting near Higgs again, he unclipped his cowl and began working on taking off all of the heavy, tar and blood-soaked clothes. He smelled horribly of old blood and sweat, and Sam worked a little faster to get this going. At one of his gloved hands he paused, finding something gold and shiny clenched in his fist. Heart pounding in his ears, he slowly opened his palm to find what he had thought might be the case. The Quipu. So that's how he got back, and specifically here. She must have lead him right to Sam, but why?  
Sam took the necklace and gently laid it on the sink to wash it later, and got back to work undressing his old nemesis.  
Finally he turned the water on, and of course the shower freaked out at the weight capacity. It vaguely reminded him of that weird shower with Deadman, and he chuckled a little in spite of the awful situation he had in his hands. Namely, washing a really gross Higgs.   
Using just body wash and his hands, he did a decent job getting the worst of the blood and tar off of him. His skin was searing hot and shivering under his hands, and a part of Sam wondered if he'd even make it past a few days like this. Luckily he had medicine here, but he'd probably need to make a trip out to get more supplies.   
"Sam," Higgs suddenly croaked, his eyes fluttering in semi-consciousness. Sam stopped immediately and looked at him, adrenaline rushing through him for a minute.   
Luckily, his head drooped back down and he said no more, appearing to have drifted back to sleep. Hesitantly, Sam continued washing him, trying not to think too hard while doing the awkward parts, and when he was about as done as he could stand, turned off the water and began hauling Higgs up and out of the shower. Now he was hot, heavy and slightly damp, and the feeling was extremely uncomfortable on Sam's back.   
Lou made a concerned noise and flipped around in her pod.  
"I told you it's alright, baby girl. Just take it easy," Sam grunted, straining under the other man's weight before depositing him onto the bed.   
He covered him with a blanket and, after putting his clothes into the decontamination machine, went to get some more blankets from a panel in the room.  
Pausing by the sink, he looked at the Quipu again.   
Had he taken it from her again, or did she give it to him? Why would Amelie ever want to bring him back anyway, nevermind to him? He must have come on his own. But why even think to use the Quipu?  
Sam was startled from his inner thoughts at the sound of Higgs groaning his name again in that sick voice.  
"Sam. Mm. Cold," the Particle of God whimpered, shivering and clinging to the Bridges blanket around him.  
It was incredibly strange for Sam to see the other man like this. At every encounter, he was threatening, domineering, taunting. Always in control somehow.   
Tucking Higgs in with a few more blankets and slipping a pillow under his head, he thought the man looked strangely sweet like this. There was no anger or unhinged smirk on his face, no theatrical makeup, no tar. Just freshly washed skin, pink cheeks and a peaceful expression, deep in sleep. His eyelashes fluttered gently as he dreamed.  
"Mm. Sam," he muttered again.  
Sam wondered if he knew he was actually there with him, or if he was just saying his name anyway. Clearly the name was one on his mind, if not his lips, often, if that bunker was anything to go by. Which again brought about the question of whether healing him, or harboring him, was even within sanity's range of a good idea.   
Sam sat next to him for quite a while debating in his head whether or not to continue nursing him to health before deciding he needed a second opinion. 

"Why, hello, Sam!" Deadman's voice rang out happily as his chiralgram suddenly glitched into the room. "It's so rare that you call lately. But it's nice to see you, and BB."  
"Sorry for only calling at a time when I need help. But we got kind of a big problem here," Sam grumbled, and shifted on the bed slightly, nodding his head towards Higgs.  
"Oh? And who might this be, Sam?" Deadman's scarred forehead crinkled in curiosity as he bent down slightly to get a better look at the sleeping man buried under blankets.  
The porter took in a deep breath and let it go before answering.  
"It's Higgs."  
Deadman blinked at him, his mouth moving to form words but nothing would come out.  
"You don't mean, Higgs Higgs? The terrorist?" Deadman whispered as if he said the name too loud it would wake up the dead.  
"The very same asshole. I found him near dead outside this safe house just a while ago. He's really sick, has a fever. He's been in and out of consciousness since I took him in."  
Deadman looked concerned at both Sam and Higgs, pacing slightly in front of them.   
"Oh, jeez. This is bad."  
"You're tellin' me," Sam grunted.   
"And you... you're taking care of him?"  
"I mean," Sam sighed, and paused, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. "That's why I called. I'd hoped you could kind of keep this a secret between us, and I need advice. I just... I know he did so many shitty things. But there's a part of me that wants to try to help him. I don't know. Maybe it's crazy."  
"You like to help people, Sam. It's just what you do. And it's a part of you that makes everyone like you," Deadman smiled at him, and walked over to look at Lou. "Just like when you gave Lou here a chance, and now look how our connections have grown."  
"So… you think I should take care of him?"  
"I'm not saying that exactly. As a member of the UCA, I'm probably supposed to say you should turn him in once he's healthy enough. But I think I know better than to try to convince you not to do something you have it in your mind to do."  
"So cold. Sam," Higgs whimpered, shivering still even under so many blankets.   
"Oh, is he awake?" Deadman backed away as if the sick man might suddenly spring up and blow them all up right there.  
Sam shook his head.  
"No, he's been saying this stuff in his sleep the whole time he's been here. Won't respond to anything I say."  
"Ah, well," Deadman sighed, visibly relaxing and coming closer to them, "listen, Sam. Either way it's probably better to allow him to heal here, whether or not you decide to make him face justice."  
"That's kinda what I was thinking."  
Sam paused for a long moment, trying to gather his thoughts about a sort of uncomfortable topic.  
"The reason I feel so conflicted is I… really sympathize with a lot he's gone through. And now that I've seen what Amelie did, what all of Bridges did, what Die-Hardman did. I guess my idea of what sort of people I should or shouldn't get close to has kinda gotten all fucked up. I loved Amelie. I still love her. But she almost ended the world. She did so much fucked up shit, was the mastermind behind all of it the whole time. She killed my fucking parents. At least Higgs didn't do that."  
Deadman watched him with sad, sympathetic eyes, and pulled Sam into a close hug. Ever since Sam had gotten over his asemphosmphobia, it seemed like the scientist had taken every opportunity he could to give the porter a hug. And God knows he needed one. Sam returned the hug with a shaky breath.  
"Oh, Sam. I'm so sorry so many people have hurt you. It's horrible. Horrible. Life is so unfair and filled with so much tragedy," Deadman sighed, releasing Sam and looking at him with teary eyes. "But there is so much good too. The connections we make. The memories. You're a good man, Sam. And for what it's worth, I am honored to be your friend."  
Sam turned away abruptly and wiped at his face, ashamed at how much this was affecting him, but also ashamed at how much he'd been pushing such a good friend away.  
"I wouldn't judge you if you decided to… foster something. With him. But please just be careful."  
Sam laughed at this, finally composing himself and turning to Deadman with a teary smile.  
"You don't have to tell me twice. He let me see his journals and his shelter. I don't even know why, but he just opened it up and sent out all this stuff when he was still on the Beach. He's a real fucked up guy. Worse than I'd honestly thought."  
"But?" Deadman tilted his head.  
"But," Sam sighed, running a hand through his hair irritably and looking down at the terrorist sleeping peacefully in his bed, "I think there is some good there, especially without Amelie's influence. And he's… I don't know how to say this. I think in his own screwed up way he really liked me. Which is a weird thing to have found out."  
Deadman raised his brows and stroked his beard thoughtfully.  
"He liked you--how?"  
"It's sort of just a hunch," Sam murmured, those hundreds of candid photos flickering through his mind and making him feel momentarily uneasy. His hand rubbed at his chest over his heart idly, and he continued, "I don't know what it is. I think at that Beach, something kinda happened. I can feel it."  
"A connection," Deadman stated, nodding to himself. "You were both used by Amelie."  
"It's… maybe more than that."  
"O-oh."  
"Oh, no, I-I don't mean," Sam spluttered, heat rising to his neck and face. Or, honestly, was it? Sam wasn't even sure himself, particularly on Higgs' side. "I don't mean it like that. Just. A mutual understanding. Empathy. Two people the world chewed and spit out. That kind of thing."  
"Mm-hm," Deadman nodded, but a ghost of a smirk still hung around his lips.   
"Uhn. Help."  
Higgs' quiet and slurred voice broke the momentary silence. He was wheezing in his sleep and groping at the blankets.  
Deadman looked over to him, his eyes still soft with affection for his thoughtful friend.  
"Looking like that, it's hard to believe he was that terrorist who caused so much trouble."  
Sam looked at him as well. His cheeks still pink with fever, brows knitted from whatever anxious dream he must've been having. His hair and scruff finally clean enough to actually look its natural dirty blond color. He looked… really cute. Sam chastised himself internally, trying to clear the thought by looking back at Deadman.   
"So, no word about this to anyone, right?" Sam finally said.  
"No. No, of course not. I am slightly concerned for your safety, but I think it is admirable of you to show such care to someone like this. It's... the Sam we all fell in love with, you know."  
"Don't get so sappy on me now," Sam grimaced, folding his arms.   
"I know, I know. But it's the truth. Are you going to need medicine or something?"  
"Already gave him some. There's not enough here, but I'll pick up some more later."  
"Alright. Well, good luck, Sam. And… watch your back."  
"Yeah. Thanks."  
And with that, the chiralgram dissipated, leaving the room rather quiet with only the hum of the various electronic and chiral equipment in the room.


	4. No Wonder I Feel Like I'm Floating On Air

When it was time for the second dose of medicine, Sam grabbed the pills and a cup of water and sat next to Higgs. It felt strange for him to be nursing any adult man, let alone someone who'd been his enemy, back to health like this. He moved Higgs into a sitting position, who shivered and whined gently in his sleep.  
"Wake up," Sam said softly and jostled him lightly, before pressing one of the pills to his lips.  
"Mm?"  
Higgs' eyes opened slightly before closing, and allowed the pill to be pushed into his mouth. Sam put the cup of water to his lips and Higgs drank it down with the pill quickly, apparently thirsty. He suddenly had a coughing fit and doubled over slightly, grabbing at his chest. Sam rubbed his back gently.  
"Is--is that really you, Sam?" He finally asked between coughs, leaning back and looking at Sam through squinting eyes.  
"Oh, you're actually awake now?" was all he could think to reply. He wasn't quite ready for this, and felt uneasy.  
"I… I don't know," Higgs muttered, and shivered again, closing his eyes tightly. "It's so bright in here. Am I dead?"  
Sam chuckled and went to the control panel to turn the lights down a bit.   
"No, but you were close to it."  
Higgs grabbed the blankets and weakly pulled them back around himself, wheezing and occasionally coughing again. He sounded awful.  
Sam sat next to him again, pulled up the blankets and slipped in next to him. Higgs just squinted at him again, confusion lined on his tired face.  
Sam battled in his mind for a bit over what he was doing, but decided Higgs was probably still too out of it to fight him, and that even under all those blankets he wasn't warming up enough. So with a sigh, he hesitantly put his arms around Higgs and pressed his body close to his own chest, feeling his cheeks warm and prickle. The other man leaned into his body and ended up flopping over slightly, so that his face pressed into the crook of Sam's neck. Higgs' nakedness was suddenly very apparent; the entire front of his overheated body pressed into Sam's. The porter cursed under his breath, overtaken by embarrassment about the situation but also about his own body's reaction to such closeness of an admittedly attractive person. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on something else, anything else, but Higgs kept snuggling closer and put his arms round Sam's waist, gripping his back in weak fists.  
"You're so warm," he whispered, but it was loud and hot in Sam's ear. Sam clenched his jaw in anxiety.   
"I must be dead," Higgs continued, his voice sounding a little clearer and less like he was talking in his sleep. "This is too damn good to be true."  
Sam didn't reply, feeling about as awkward as he could possibly feel. Higgs was running his hands around Sam's back as if feeling for something, and then brought them around to his chest, still feeling around.   
"The hell are you doing?"  
Higgs suddenly stopped, and backed away a little, looking Sam in the face with a lucid but surprised expression. After a pause, Higgs cleared his throat.  
"Is… is this real? Are you real?"  
"I sort of wish I wasn't right now, but yeah," Sam sighed, really not ready for this conversation, especially like this. His arms were still around Higgs, their bodies pressed together.  
Higgs stared at him with disbelief in his eyes.  
"I thought I'd died."  
"You almost did. How did you get here? You had Amelie's Quipu."  
"Amelie," Higgs mumbled to himself, his eyes looking far away and his brows knitted, "yeah. Amelie put the Quipu in my hand. I was… gonna do it. The gun. But then she… sent me back, with the Quipu."  
"But why?"  
"I… "  
Higgs looked at Sam, and for the first time it seemed he'd really realized where he was and that Sam wasn't actually a figment of his imagination. His icy blue eyes were wide and reminiscent of a cornered animal, and he started panting, every exhale coming out a harsh wheeze.  
"Relax, relax," Sam ordered, holding Higgs tighter and rubbing his back, "it's okay, nothin's gonna happen to you."  
Higgs continued hyperventilating, and weakly tried to pull away from Sam before giving up and letting himself be held.   
"No. No this can't be real."  
Sam hushed him quietly, still rubbing circles on his shivering back.   
"Relax, Higgs. No one's gonna hurt you."  
"I wanted to die. No. No. I don't want to be back. No, please," Higgs cried into his chest, his voice still scratchy and cracking.   
"Why did she do this? I don't want to--"  
Higgs continued sobbing, his entire body shaking next to Sam's. If the porter hadn't been sure whether or not to continue caring for him before, his heart had become absolutely sure then, even if his mind assured him this was a really bad idea, that he had enough issues of his own to deal with. Sam just held him and let him cry it out until he was just shivering and sniffling, fists grabbing at the back of Sam's shirt.  
He heard a soft swear come from the sick man in his arms, and he pulled away slightly enough to look him in the face.  
Higgs' eyes were bloodshot and his nose was still pink, but otherwise his expression was now neutral.   
"I'm sorry," he said softly, glancing at Sam's face almost shyly. Sam couldn't stop the thoughts of "Jesus, he's so cute" rushing into his brain and tried to dispel them, honestly knowing they were only bad news. It was like once the idea had occurred to him, it stuck in his brain like a virus and wouldn't let go.   
"You should get more rest. You still have a fever."  
Higgs looked at him with big, sad eyes. There it was again, and Sam internally wrestled with himself and tried to tell his heart to shut up.   
"I'm sorry, Sammy. You can just let me… you know… there's no reason to help me like this."  
Sam hushed him, suddenly feeling very awkward about his hands resting on the small of Higgs' back, and moved them up a bit.   
"Higgs. It's sorta hard to explain. Those journal entries you let me see, and… and your place. What happened before, and everything with Amelie. I… She used me, too, from the very start. Killed my parents. Killed me, but brought me back. I never wanted to live a damn day in this world, but I can't leave it. I guess what I'm trying to say is," he sighed, and paused, feeling awkward and like he might be opening up too fast, "I understand you."

Higgs was staring into his eyes curiously for quite a while, and brought his hand to place his palm on Sam's chest where his heart would be.  
"I thought it might be just another one of her crazy ideas, but... Amelie said there was a connection. Here. That you felt it too," Higgs said hesitantly, his voice more nervous and soft than Sam had ever heard it. The combination of the look in his eyes, his hand touching him and what he'd said made Sam's heart beat heavily in his chest, and he really wished that the circumstances were different for them. That he could let these budding feelings in without feeling like it was foolish and crazy.  
Sam just nodded, afraid to open up any further, especially with the other man sick and naked in his arms.   
Higgs laughed, and then coughed, and let out a shuddering wheezing sigh.   
"Every time she does somethin' fucked up, there's always a little bit of good in it, huh."  
A beat passed, and as Higgs shifted slightly in Sam's grip, a look of confusion flickered in his eyes, only to be replaced by embarrassment, and he backed away from Sam quickly, his face turning red, which he hid behind the blanket.  
"Where are my clothes?" He groaned, voice muffled.  
Sam laughed and got up and off the bed.  
"I had to wash them, they were gross. You were, too, you know. Blood and tar everywhere."  
"You…!" Higgs voice practically squeaked from behind the blanket before he made a muffled frustrated scream into the pillow, and then started coughing hard again.  
Sam just snorted and laughed at him again, but tried to keep his voice even when he spoke.  
"Relax. Didn't think you were so prudish."  
Higgs muttered something, sounding miserable.   
"Just go to sleep. You'll make yourself sicker making so much noise."  
Sam began putting his gear on and getting ready to head out. Higgs poked his head out of the blankets and looked at Sam worriedly.  
"Where are you going?"  
While attaching the BB pod to his chest, Sam looked over at his worried face.  
"Nowhere far. Just getting you some more medicine, and some food and water. I'll be back soon. Just get some rest."  
Higgs relaxed slightly, but his cheeks became pink and his eyes sullen.  
"You don't have to do this shit for me, Bridges."  
"I want to."  
They stared at each other for a moment before Sam turned to leave the private room.   
"Can I drink the beer?" Higgs called at him as he was almost in the elevator.  
"No. Go to sleep."


	5. I Want To Spend It With You On My Mind

Of course he drank a beer, the absolute idiot. But at least he was asleep, and seemed to be fine for the moment.  
Sam sighed as he unpacked the groceries he'd gotten from the local distro center, put a sleepy Lou on her synchronization cradle, and took off his outside gear to be decontaminated from the Timefall rain.   
It occurred to Sam that it was pretty cozy in there, with only the light hum on the machines, the occasional noise from Lou and Higgs' soft snoring from under the blankets. He could get used to this.  
It would still be quite a while until Higgs' next dose, and without anything immediate to do, the weight of the days' activities and feelings finally hit Sam and made him feel incredibly tired.   
After a relaxing shower that made the porter even sleepier, he made his way to the bed and slipped under the covers next to Higgs, but with some space between them. He was out like a light the moment he closed his eyes.

Although he'd gone to sleep with space between them, Sam awoke with limbs all over him and an overheated forehead pressed into the back of his neck. And something hard and twitching pressed into his butt. Oh. Oh no.  
Sam moved away slowly, trying not to wake him up, his mind and body tingling with arousal. He tried to will his own hard-on to go the fuck away before getting up to put some clothes on and attempt to at least hide it. Besides, it was about time to give Higgs more medicine.   
Waking him up might embarrass the shit out of him again, though. Oh well.  
He brought the medicine and water over to the bedside and pulled the blankets down.  
"Rise and shine."  
Higgs groaned and threw an arm over his eyes.  
"Come on, you have to take your medicine."  
"You woke me up from an amazing dream, you bastard."  
Yeah, Sam thought, I figured.   
"Well, you'll have to make do with reality for a bit. Here."  
He passed the pill and cup of water to Higgs, who accepted them with a whine, and took the medicine and water before returning the empty cup to Sam.  
"Reality is the worst."  
Sam laughed and went to heat up the soup he'd just gotten.   
"I hope you like chicken noodle. They didn't have anything else."  
Higgs just grumbled to himself and went back under the covers.  
"Don't go back to sleep yet. You need something in your stomach."  
"I need to go back to that dream," groaned the shifting pile of blankets.   
Sam chuckled and, after retrieving the heated up soup, made his way to the bed and yet again pulled the blankets down, much to the chagrin of a shivering Higgs.  
"Nuhh. Fine," he whined, and sat up. He glanced down at himself and then pulled the blankets up to cover his chest.  
"It's nothing I haven't seen," chuckled Sam, handing the other man the warm bowl. Higgs was blushing as he ate the soup in silence.  
Sam, meanwhile, ate an apple and drank some Monster at the table while reading through his messages idly. He'd received one from Deadman asking how "the patient" was doing, and if he had any idea what he was planning to do. Sam typed out a quick reply saying he'd explain more in a call later, but that he seemed to be improving. He paused, and then wrote, "I think I might be fucked, though. Trying not to catch feelings. Don't think it's working. Fuck my life." He then sent it out to Deadman, and, after chucking his apple core in the trash, went to take Higgs' empty bowl.   
"Thank you," Higgs practically whispered, still unnaturally reserved and bashful.   
"Uh huh."  
"Can I take a shower? I'm kinda sweaty from the fever."  
"Go ahead. Think you'll be okay by yourself?"  
Higgs groaned and scrubbed at his face with a hand.  
"Yes... You psycho. Never thought you'd be so damn touchy-feely, Mr. Asempho--"  
"Yeah, yeah. Excuse me for not letting you stink up my private room. And obviously I don't have it anymore."  
"Oh… yeah. I reckon you don't. Well, congratulations."  
"Thanks?"  
Higgs was glancing at him and seemed hesitant to get out of the bed.  
"Can you turn around or somethin'?"  
"It's nothing I haven't seen," Sam repeated, but turned away anyway, going to check his orders.  
"Yeah, well," Higgs mumbled, and let it drop there.   
Sam heard the blankets being pushed away, the sound of Higgs padding over to the shower, and the whirr of the door closing. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when the water started, and felt annoyed at himself for how much he wanted to just turn and have another look. When had he become such a damn pervert? It was gross.  
"Um. Sam?"  
"Yeah?"  
There was a long pause, and Sam was so incredibly tempted to just take a peek. He kept his eyes steadfastly on his orders, yelling at himself in his mind that Higgs was sick and vulnerable.  
"Um…. Thanks."  
"For what?"  
Another moment of silence. And then the water turned off and he heard Higgs padding over to him. Sam's heart sped up. Warm arms circled him from behind and a hot forehead pressed against the back of his neck, reminding him of when he'd woken up before.   
"For… everything, I guess."  
"Oh. Well, you're welcome."  
"Some clothes would be nice, though. Unless you want me walkin' around in the buff all the time."  
Before Sam could even think of a joke in response, whatever he would've said died in his throat as Higgs circled him and stood in front of him. Sam tried not to ogle the other man, and swallowed thickly, brain moving way too slow to form any sort of coherent response.  
"Nothin' you haven't seen, huh," Higgs said, a low, sultry and familiar tone in his voice. His eyes were half-lidded looking down at Sam like a predatory big cat.  
"Jesus. Uh, I mean. There. That cabinet. Your clothes," Sam breathed, pointing to where Higgs' clean and decontaminated clothes were stored.   
Higgs laughed a "thank you kindly" and went to put on his underwear, shirt and pants, leaving the over-clothes, armor and cloak in the cabinet.  
Sam's mind began racing with worry. As his health was returning, so was his usual attitude. He had no way of knowing how much of his powers remained, or what he'd want to do with his second chance on the mortal plane. And to make matters worse, he'd managed to practically shut down Sam's brain with just one smoldering look. There was no way Higgs didn't know exactly what he was doing, either.  
"I'm so fucked," Sam thought to himself, watching the other man crawl back under the blankets.   
He propped himself up on his arms and looked at Sam, that same look in his eyes.  
"Aren't you gonna keep me warm again? I'm still sick."  
"You seem fine to me," Sam frowned, suspicion growing in him every second.   
Higgs' face fell, and his cheeks turned pink. He pulled the blankets over his head and muttered sadly to himself before settling down again.  
Oh. He was actually just flirting?  
Sam felt incredibly confused and more than a bit paranoid, but against his better judgement, went over to the bed and slipped under the covers.   
Immediately Higgs was on him, wrapping himself around him like an octopus made of fire. He hadn't been lying: Higgs was still feverish, and he sighed as he slumped against Sam's chest heavily.  
"Jeez. Relax, I'm not gonna run away."  
Higgs just made himself more comfortable and hid his face in Sam's neck. His breathing evened out and, soon enough, he was snoring quietly.   
"I'm so fucked," Sam mumbled to himself, and sighed heavily, holding Higgs and rubbing circles into his back.   
Damn if this wasn't comfortable. And… romantic.  
Sam's heart felt heavy with all sorts of conflicting emotions, but at the forefront was growing a worrisome one.  
He had no idea if Higgs felt even remotely the same, and worried about the idea of being used again. There was an undeniable link between them, sure, and a certain amount of understanding, but…   
How could he ever even begin to trust someone like Higgs?  
"Does it even matter?" another voiced popped up in his head.  
Sam pulled away from Higgs enough to look at the sleeping man's face, and, hesitantly, reached down to cup his scruffy cheek gently. The terrorist smiled a little in his sleep and leant into the touch. Sam felt his heart melt, and cursed to himself.   
With a world like the one he lived in, Sam wondered if it wasn't worth it just to stick around him, come hell or high water, just to chase this bliss. He shook the notion off, knowing it to just be a fleeting and crazy thought.   
The fact of the matter was that, through everything he'd been through, he was at the least likely time in his life to trust anyone about almost anything.   
But all the same, the feelings were there, like a breeze through a broken window. He was falling, and falling hard, for the man who'd tried to kill him not even two months ago. 

Sam awoke sometime later without even knowing when he'd fallen asleep. Momentarily startled at being alone in the bed, he looked up to see Higgs crouched near Lou.   
"…hope I'm not disturbin' anything. I know I must be the last person you'd wanna see."  
Lou was babbling back as if in reply to the things he was saying.  
"'Course I won't hurt your Daddy anymore. Things are a little more complicated now, you know."  
He tipped the BB pod backward a bit, making it rock gently. Lou giggled and babbled again in reply. Higgs sighed heavily.  
"Oh, I just don't… know what the hell to do anymore. Makin' me go crazy. I thought I had it all figured out and then she makes it all go for a tailspin. Then I'm just falling head over heels all over again." He paused to chuckle sadly, and Lou made a concerned noise.  
"He's the best damned man in this god forsaken world. Too good for someone like me."  
Lou babbled to him with a comforting tone, sensing the sorrow in his voice.   
"You too, little miss. I know I'm just trouble, and I'll get outta his hair as soon as I'm able, but… oh, man," he sighed heavily, sounding absolutely miserable, "I'm so fuckin' in love I feel like my heart is gonna give out. It's so stupid. What does someone like me have to offer to someone like him?"

Sam felt paralyzed listening to him talking to Lou, and vaguely wondered if he'd planned for him to hear any of this. His heart was pounding, in both frightened paranoia and about his feelings possibly, actually being reciprocated. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once.

Lou was making noises at him again, and Higgs was nodding as if he understood completely.  
"I mean, there's almost no way it really matters anyway. He's so nice, of course he'd take in a broken stray like me. No way he couldn't feel sorry for me, bleeding on his doorstep like a wounded dog. But that's it, right? And after that, I'll just… go and fade away."  
Sam didn't know how much more his heart could take of this. He sat up and balanced himself on an arm, and Higgs must have heard him get up.   
He turned around with wide, slightly bloodshot eyes, tears rolling down his cheeks.  
"Sam…"  
There was a pause where they just eyed each other down, neither knowing what to do or say.  
"Come here," Sam finally said quietly, waving him over.   
Almost robotically, Higgs walked over and sat next to him, a worried frown lining his face.  
The taller man's eyes were full of pain and embarrassment, and Sam yet again felt like an ass for wondering if he was being genuine or not.  
"Are you gonna call me a creep and kick me out and tell me never to come round here anymore?" Higgs spat, sounding every bit as brokenhearted as he looked.  
Sam frowned and took his shoulders in his hands firmly, trying desperately to think of something he could say to communicate his feelings.   
"Well, Bridges?"  
After what felt like ages of thought, Sam decided he couldn't do it. The words kept dying in his throat, every action seizing before he could even start. It was too soon. He couldn't do this.  
Higgs sighed and looked away, looking more defeated than when he'd last seen him on the Beach.   
Sam brought him into a tight hug and grimaced in frustration as tears rolled down in his cheeks.   
Higgs pushed him away roughly and covered his face with a hand, hiccuping with stifled sobs.   
"I'm... sorry. I just. I'm gonna…" Higgs mumbled, his voice shaking, and buried himself under the blankets to hide his face and broken heart.   
Sam still didn't know what to say, feeling like the world's biggest jerk. He wiped the tears off his face and looked over to Lou, who was starting to cry, too.   
"Ssh sh sh," he hushed after making his way over to the pod and rocking it gently in his arms, his own tears rolling down and dropping on the orange glass, "it's alright, buddy. It's okay. Take it easy."  
Lou slowly began to calm down, hiccuping and staring up at Sam with her large sad eyes.  
"See the sunset… the day is ending," Sam sung to her softly, still rocking her, "let that yawn out… there's no pretending…"  
The song was still bittersweet and heavy in his heart, and for a moment he always thought he heard Cliff singing with him.   
Lou stretched and yawned as Sam sang to her, and soon she was sound asleep with her thumb in her mouth.   
Sam placed her back on the wall with a heavy sigh, the reminder of Cliff making him feel all the more broken up. Could he really afford to rip one more connection out before he really even gave it a chance?  
He glanced over to the slightly shaking lump of blankets. He needed to think. He needed some air.

Halfway through gearing up, Sam realized that Higgs was watching him.  
"I'm just… gonna do some deliveries. They've been piling up and I don't want to get too far behind. Please stay here, okay? I won't be gone too long. Just… take it easy."  
After there was no response, Sam just heaved a sigh and trudged out of the private room.


	6. Next Level Trust Issues

"It's worse than I thought. A lot worse than I thought."  
"Oh no, did he attack you? What happened?"  
Sam chuckled sadly, and then grunted as he pulled himself up on the side of a rocky cliff. He hated having to deliver to the Cosplayer; she was just in the worst location.   
"No, just the opposite. Ugh. I'm fucked, Deadman."  
The man on the call laughed, sounding relieved.  
"Oh, I see. Catching feelings, huh. Wouldn't take you for the kind to go after, uh…"  
"I'm not. And nevermind that, he's really mentally ill. Like, really really mentally ill. And dangerous. Honestly he needs a lot of help. But… ugh, Deadman. He practically confessed to me, and I just stood there like an idiot. I don't know what the fuck to do."  
"Are you sure he's not just lying to get into your good graces? Maybe because you're sort of the last connection to Amelie."  
"I don't know. I don't really trust him. He's barely even mentioned Amelie, though."  
Deadman hummed thoughtfully as Sam hiked up his pack and headed towards the mountains.  
"It just seems suspicious to me, but who knows. Stranger things have certainly happened. Just remember what happened with Fragile, though."  
"Believe me, I remember. I know. I even read how quickly his mind broke when he met Amelie. I know what he's capable of. My, uh… head is really fighting my heart right now."  
"I hear that's a common thing with love. Not that I would really know, so I'm sorry if I can't really offer too much advice," Deadman murmured wistfully.   
The porter cleared his throat, his cheeks feeling hot against the cold wind.  
"I-I don't know if it's all that serious. I mean--"  
"Would you really be this broken up about a man who tried to end the world if it wasn't love, Sam?"  
Almost tripping over a particularly sharp boulder, Sam cursed to himself and had to stop for a moment, willing his pulse to calm down. He took a drink from his canteen to try and clear his head.  
"That's... fair enough, I guess."  
"Listen, Sam, I already said I wouldn't judge you if you decided to pursue something. But just don't let it cloud your head too much. He knows you're a repatriate, so anything underhanded probably wouldn't be too obvious. Getting in your head is probably the smartest course of action if he really wanted to use you for something."  
"I know. I know," Sam sighed, sitting down near a cairn and staring up at the steely grey sky, "that's exactly why I've been so damn… concerned. I feel like I might be falling right into a trap. But he's just so… I just feel like he needs someone to give a damn about him. Maybe it'd… do something."  
"It could also make him even worse. You never know, mental illness can be a tricky thing."  
"You're tellin' me."  
There was a pause as Sam observed the serene but gloomy landscape, glad for its isolation and natural beauty. And, of course, that it wasn't raining for once.

"Thanks for helping me clear my head a bit, Deadman."  
"It's no problem at all, Sam. I'm honored to be in your confidence. I don't think I'd want you dealing with this all on your own, either."  
"Well. I'm gonna head back there now. I still have no fuckin' clue what to tell him, though. I know I should be careful and all that, but whenever he looks at me with those eyes, I just…"  
Deadman exhaled a laugh.  
"Oh, boy. I've never heard you like this, Sam."  
"Yeah well I've never felt like this before, either."  
"Well, I'll let you think it over. See you."  
Sam grunted and turned off the call. It'd begun to rain as he approached the area of his safe house, and the plants near his feet grew and died over and over.   
He was about to enter the elevator before he noticed fresh boot prints in the mud around the platform, much too fresh to have been left by Sam when he left. A quick glance told him they lead toward Peter Englert's shelter.  
Sam cursed to himself and started running towards the shelter, his adrenaline kicking up from the anxiety. 

The shelter was empty, but the boot prints did lead inside, and the locker was opened and empty besides a few ammunition cans.   
"The fuck is he doing?" Sam huffed to himself before running out of the shelter and trying to find more tracks of where he could have gone. There were no more tracks, however, and the thought made him deeply concerned.  
Suddenly, loud shots rang out in the air, and Sam tried to figure out what direction they were coming from.   
Another shot split the air and seemed to be coming from the Middle Knot City mall crater.

By the time Sam had made his way over, the shots had died down, and the rain was pouring so heavily it was hard to hear himself think. The area became infested with BTs and he had to slow down and manoeuvre his way through the destroyed mall carefully.   
Lou had her face pressed to the glass in concentration and babbled worriedly. The odradek flapped and spun at intervals, never given a moment of calm.  
There under the awning of the back of the mall was Higgs, leaning on the escalator with his full Homo Demens gear on, reloading a shotgun.  
A shot of fear and panic went up Sam's spine at the familiar scenario, and for a moment he forgot that they were no longer enemies.   
"Higgs! What the fuck are you doing here?"  
Just as he'd yelled out, a pool of tar circled around his feet and gazers began reaching up to grab his boots and legs. Sam cursed and tried to shake them off and get away.   
The shotgun went off again and struck several of the gazers clawing at him, and the pool receded quickly. Higgs was standing at the entrance, seemingly staring at Sam through his skull mask.  
"Can't be too careful out here, Sammy. The dead want company," he said evenly, and pumped the shotgun while walking toward the other man, the spent chiral gold shell flying out behind him.  
"Higgs, what're you doing out here?"  
"What I want. Sending poor souls back, away from the cold uncaring hands of the mortal plane."  
"You should be resting."  
"I'm fine," Higgs gritted out, and spun on his heel to walk away. Sam reached out and grabbed his shoulder, which Higgs shrugged off immediately.  
"You're not fucking fine. You were still half dead just two days ago."  
"Who gives a shit if I'm half dead or full dead or anything," Higgs growled, aiming to shoot at another nearby gazer who hovered ominously above the escalator.  
"Are you really gonna be like this? I wouldn't have taken care of you if I didnt--"  
"I didn't ask you to do that, now did I?"  
After the echoing of the next shot died down, Sam sighed and circled around to grab him by the shoulders.  
"Higgs, please. Just come back with me. I… I was a jerk before and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you--"  
"Fuck off, Bridges," Higgs yelled and shoved him before trudging away.  
His heart aching painfully, Sam was almost ready to just let him go until Higgs' knees suddenly buckled under him and he fell to the ground, his dropped gun clattering at his side. The porter was by his side in a second.  
"You idiot, you're overexerting yourself," Sam chastised the other man with a soft and gravelly voice, and tried to help Higgs up, but the terrorist just collapsed even more, wheezing and coughing.  
The porter huffed, lifted the limp Higgs into his arms and made his way out of the crater area. Higgs momentarily tried to struggle, but he clearly had no real energy left and just groaned out curses. He was practically dead weight by the time they made it to the safe house.  
"I fuckin' hate you, Sam," he cried weakly, hitting the weakest punches the man had ever felt into his chest.  
"Yeah, I know. I hate you too, honey."  
Higgs snorted but hit him again.  
"You bastard."  
"Don't remind me."

When they entered the private room, Sam put Higgs down on the chair before going to take off his own gear and put Lou back. She looked tired from all the BTs but still mildly concerned, and babbled before yawning.  
"You can rest now, Lou. It's alright."  
Higgs was shivering and hugged himself while weakly leaning on the table.  
"Can you get your own stuff off?"   
"Fuck you."  
"You know you don't sound very convincing like that."  
Higgs just groaned and took his hood and mask off, but it seemed that was all he had the energy to do, as afterwards he just slumped on the table again, heavy breaths coming out in wheezes.  
His own gear finally off, Sam went over to Higgs and started unclipping his cowl and taking off his armor.  
"Ugh, stop. This is weird," Higgs mumbled, his face flushed from both sickness and embarrassment.  
"You gotta get out of these wet clothes. Why are you being an asshole all of a sudden?"  
"I don't want to fuckin' be here if you don't want me around," Higgs growled, watching Sam untie his boots.  
"I never said I didn't want you around."  
"Why would you? I don't even want me around. That's why I just wanted to go out there and be with the dead. That's where I belong."  
"Would you just relax for a second and let me take care of you for God's sake? So fuckin' stubborn."  
Higgs frowned and just stayed quiet as he let Sam take off his over-clothes, leaving him in just an undershirt and pants.   
Then much to his deepening embarrassment, he was lifted up again and placed on the bed. Higgs immediately got under the blankets and whined to himself before having another coughing fit.  
Sam gave him some more medicine before getting in the bed next to him. Something had been gnawing at his heart the entire time, and it seemed to really hit a nerve when Higgs moved away, turning his back to him.  
"You gonna turn me in to the feds?" He asked quietly, his voice tired and raspy from coughing.   
"If I was gonna do that, I would've done it a while ago. I don't like them any more than you do anyway."  
Higgs just sniffed and pulled the blankets over his head.  
Sam moved over and pulled them down, revealing Higgs eyes glaring up at him.  
"Why are you so mad at me?"  
"I'm not."  
"Then what are you acting like this for?"  
"My fuckin' situation is lookin' a little bleak if you haven't noticed, Sam. I'm just pissed, in general. I've got nothing left here in this godforsaken world and--and I don't want to be a burden on the one… guy I can actually kind of stand."  
Sam's eyes softened.  
"I guess that makes sense. But like I said, I want to help you. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't want to. I'm not that altruistic."  
"I don't think I believe that," Higgs laughed, wheezing slightly.  
"Higgs," Sam sighed, trying desperately not to show too much weakness but also to show enough vulnerability to not hurt him again, "I... like you too much to do anything like that. And besides, me and the UCA aren't exactly on great terms anymore."  
The taller man's eyes widened but without a particular discernable expression, and it made Sam even more nervous. He folded his arms and chewed his lip for a moment.  
"You still have your powers?"  
A ghost of a smirk flickered on Higgs' lips for a moment before he shook his head, a deep chuckle vibrating from his chest.   
Ah.  
Sam swallowed and made fists with his hands.  
"I thought something was off when I saw the prints just end. Fuck. What are you gonna do when you're healed up?"  
Seeming to sense Sam's apprehension, Higgs prickled up in response, grinning but with malice.  
"What? You afraid I'm gonna go nuke some more towns, Sam? Gonna try to protect your precious fuckin' UCA bullshit from the mean ole Homo Demens?"  
The shorter man narrowed his eyes and cursed to himself.  
"I don't know. I don't know what you want at all. I don't even know what I want. Dammit, and to think I…"  
"What? To think you thought you might've liked me for a second, just because I… I love you?" Higgs laughed and sat up, a crazed combination of hurt and mania flashing in his eyes, "You sure must be lonely. Letting a murderer like me in, huh. Yeah of course I'm gonna be fucking nice to you, but that doesn't mean I don't want to blow that goddamn capital building off the goddamn map. I'd do it, too, if I could. What they did to you, to--to Lou--"  
"Goddammit, don't go killing people in my name now! Maybe Amelie wanted that shit, but I don't want anything to do with it."  
"Heh, no, she never wanted it either. Sam, I don't actually care whether you want it or not. Those monsters need to pay for what they did."  
"Haven't you done enough? Jesus, Higgs. Stop trying to give your stupid kamikaze bullshit a righteous reason."  
The terrorist's eyes softened and he opened and closed his mouth a few times, struggling to think of a retaliation. He just ended up patting Sam's knee casually and letting it rest there for a moment.  
"Maybe I didn't give you enough credit, Sammy boy. Seems you really did see through my mask. But you're not entirely right. It's not just throwin' my life away, I really do hate them. But I hate myself too, you know. I know I don't have a leg to stand on about morality, but when it c-comes to you, I don't really care."  
Higgs swallowed thickly and he was blushing, face slightly turned away.   
"What I mean to say is, I can kinda see how getting revenge for you might be a useless idea now that you put it that way. Okay? So, I won't. Stop lookin' at me like that, Sam."  
Sam was smiling at him with tears running down his cheeks, and he took Higgs into a crushing hug, which made the other man wheeze before returning the embrace.  
"Can you just… stay alive? Please?"  
Sam's voice sounded small to his own ears, and he realized with a sinking feeling that he was admitting to how attached he'd become without even realizing it at first.  
"I just want you to be around so I can… be with you. Um. Like this."  
Sam gave him another squeeze, and when the other man hadn't responded yet besides letting out a shaky sigh, he continued again.  
"Do you, uh… actually care about Lou, too?"  
When there was still no response, the porter pulled back to look Higgs' in the face, which he immediately covered with his hands. He was crying.  
"Don't make me fuckin' say it, you bastard," he sobbed, and shoved the other man in the chest.   
Sam just blinked and pulled him into a close hug again, rubbing his back.   
"I don't know what I did?"  
"You fuckin' idiot. I hate you. You dick."  
"What'd I do?!"  
"Why'd you curse me like this? I could've just died content with never having given a shit about anyone and no one giving a shit about me. Then you had to... exist and shit. God dammit."  
Sam just held him awkwardly, not really knowing what to say.   
"I want to get out of here," Higgs groaned, suddenly sounding very tired and raspy again. "You're so fuckin' nice to me even after saying so much awful shit. Even after you know how I feel about you, you're not throwin' me out. I don't fucking get it. It doesn't make any sense."  
Sam pulled out of the hug and laid Higgs back down, who was now as limp as a doll and looked like the dead.   
"Stop talking and thinking so much. You don't look so good," Sam murmured, feeling his forehead again. Still a high fever, but not as bad as before.  
"I know I'm an ugly fuck."  
"Shut up, I meant you look sick. Look, Higgs," he sighed, mulling over whether or not to really open up to him, "I meant what I said before. I want you around, good or bad."  
Higgs frowned and glanced up at him with those sad, shy eyes again.   
Ah, fuck it.  
"Look. Ugh. Higgs, I've been… feeling something between us. I don't particularly like being vulnerable like this anymore than you do, but I don't want you to think I don't care when I care a whole fucking lot."  
Higgs was shaking his head, tears running down the sides of his face.  
"I don't want you to care, you absolute fool."  
"So you're mad at me when I don't say I love you and then you're mad at me when I say that I do?"  
The taller man laughed out a sob and rubbed his face with his hands.  
"You're so stupid."  
"Can you stop calling me names and face your feelings like a man?"  
"Fuck you," he spat, scowling at Sam and leaning up close to him, "you're saying that to me when I let you know first and you couldn't even properly confess to me?"  
Sam sucked in a breath.  
"Okay. I'm falling in love with you. There."  
Higgs seemed taken aback and deflated, and just blinked at him for a moment and slumped back.   
"What?"  
"Don't make me say it again."  
"Are you serious?"  
Sam just rolled his eyes in exasperation.  
"No, I want to be with you and protect you and take care of you because I hate you."  
A soft smile formed on Higgs face and his cheeks turned pink.  
"You have no idea how much that makes sense to me."  
"Well, I was being sarcastic."  
"I know."  
They stared at each other in silence for a beat before Sam got up and started stripping. Higgs gasped and turned away, his blush spreading to his ears.  
"What--what are you--"  
"I'm gonna take a shower. I need some privacy. Get some rest."  
"O-oh."

When the shower door closed and Sam felt the hot water hit his back, he let out a deep breath and wondered what the fuck he thought he was doing.


	7. There is a Light That Never Goes Out

All according to plan, by the time Sam finished washing away his embarrassment, Higgs was long asleep, snoring away in a tangle of blankets. He tentatively crept over and peered down at the other man, a small smile forming on his lips. At least he didn't feel like such a creep now thinking he was cute when he slept.   
Sam turned and walked over to the darkened BB pod and tapped on the glass. It turned orange immediately and Lou looked at Sam with sleepy half-lidded eyes.   
"Hey, Lou. I hope all this new stuff isn't bugging you too much. There's just a lot going on, even for me."  
She flipped around and made a gurgling noise, seemingly unbothered.   
"What do you, uh, think of him? You gonna be mad if we start seeing more of him around?"  
The baby made noises in a serious tone in response and put her tiny hands on the glass.  
"Oh, jeez. Well I guess he better not mess up."

He continued talking to Lou for a while before a call on his handcuffs made him jump.  
"Sam? I've got some bad news and some good news. Which do you want first?"  
The porter frowned at Deadman's sudden intrusion, but asked for the bad news.  
"Heartman knows someone else is with you here. I kind of forgot, but DNA is collected by the shower."  
"Shit. I can't believe I forgot about that."  
"He doesn't know who it is though, which is I guess the good news, other than the fact that he seems really curious about what he found in Higgs' blood."  
"Why hasn't he said anything to me about it yet?" Sam asked, feeling increasingly paranoid.  
"He told me he wants to study the blood more before he brings it up. He only just told this to me not even an hour ago. I'm thinking he might only care that someone else is with you if he finds your partner's DNA useful. Higgs has high levels of DOOMs, and I'm guessing that's reflected in his DNA as well."  
"And he's probably curious why I'm with some mystery person with high level DOOMs."  
"Bingo."  
Sam sighed and raked a hand through his hair irritably.  
"I'm not gonna be able to hide him for long, I guess. Does Die-Hardman know?"  
"Almost certainly."  
Plopping himself onto a chair and folding his arms on the table, Sam's brows knitted in concentration as he scoured his thoughts for a plan.  
"Well I've got some bad news, too. That high level of DOOMs is exactly what it seems like. He's still got powers, can still use his beach to jump. Even worse, he's still violent and unstable as shit, and has it out for the UCA. I don't know if I could really stop him from from becoming a terrorist again."  
Deadman hummed worriedly, and tisked.  
"So what are you thinking? Get the UCA to take him into custody?"  
"I… No. Even if they try, I don't think they could even take him in. He'd either escape or kill them, try to make a void out. It gets worse, Deadman."  
"What could be worse?   
"I… kind of might of told him I love him."  
"Oh, Sam," Deadman sighed, clearly frustrated with the situation.  
"I know, I know. I'm screwed. I honestly don't know what to fucking do. Obviously I don't want him to go blow up Capital Knot. You know how I feel about the UCA, but I still care about, like, you and Fragile and Heartman and shit. A little bit."  
"I know, Sam."  
"I don't even think any kind of… relationship would be possible anyway," Sam laughed sadly, shaking his head, "I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like an idiot, Deadman."  
"Don't be so hard on yourself. You're a kind-hearted man, Sam Porter Bridges. You don't think you could convince him to stop with your, uh, influence on him?"  
"No… no, I don't think so. At least not much."  
Deadman let out another sigh and mumbled a "fuck me."  
"Yeah, no kidding."  
"Well, is there anything I can do? If I could find a psychiatrist crazy enough to see him, would he even accept them?"  
"I have no fucking clue, but… might be worth it to keep the idea on the backburner. In the meantime I'll have to get him out of here as soon as possible. Gotta hide him from the UCA."  
Deadman hummed in affirmation and Sam heard him drumming his fingers on something.  
"Don't worry, I know where to take him. It's not great, but it's something."  
"Alright, Sam. I really hope Heartman doesn't get too curious, for your sake. But if Higgs actually decides to continue being a terrorist... You know I'll have to tell Die-Hardman."  
"Yeah. I know."  
There was a pause, then, and Sam rubbed his hands together anxiously.   
A deep, drawling voice broke the silence, and Sam jumped in surprise while Deadman gasped.  
"I'm not about to do anything to get ole Sammy here in trouble, so quit your bitchin'. I don't know who this Heart guy pervert is but if he wants my blood, he can fuck off."  
Sam couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up in his chest as he looked at the sleep-mussed Higgs sitting on the edge of the bed, looking grumpy and tired.  
"Uh--well--" Deadman stammered, sounding at a loss.  
"Sam's friend?"  
"It's Deadman," Sam offered.  
"Dead man?" Higgs laughed, "The hell kind of name is that? Dead man, Die hard man, Heart man. Where the fuck is Megaman at, huh?"  
The porter rolled his eyes and told him to get to the point.  
"Yeah, okay. Sam's friend the dead man. I don't need a goddamn shrink, but thank you for the concern, and thank you Sam for the fucking trust and confidence. Also good to know you're gossiping about me behind my back when I haven't even gotten my first kiss yet. Real classy."  
Sam frowned and folded his arms, jaw twitching in annoyance.  
"I'm not gonna blow up your precious Capital, so relax. Keep your UCA goons out of my business and we'll be just peachy. Only thing I currently want to fuck up is your stupid porter here. And he'll just pop right back up like a daisy, so no need to worry."  
"Um… okay," Deadman replied uneasily.  
Higgs got up and walked towards Sam, and much to the porter's surprise, sat on his lap and grabbed his cuffed wrist. He was heavier on him than he looked like he'd be, and the pressure would've been unbearable if he'd still had asemphosmphobia.  
"Okay, I'm glad we have an understanding. Gossip time is over now. How do I hang up on this contraption?"  
Deadman didn't give Sam the chance to show him and hung up of his own accord, probably out of honest fear of the terrorist.  
"That wasn't very nice," Sam grumbled, narrowing his eyes at the taller man sitting on him. Higgs just smirked down at him and took the other man's jaw in his hand roughly and tilted his head up to get a better look at him.  
"I'm pissed at you."  
"I gathered," Sam said around the large hand gripping his face.   
"Haven't even been an item for a single fucking day and you're already planning to throw me in the goddamn loony bin."  
"You know that's not what I said."  
"You didn't have to," Higgs growled, releasing the other man's face and lacing his arms around his broad shoulders.  
"You actually not gonna blow shit up?"  
"I said I won't touch Capital Knot. I think that's already askin' a whole lot, so if I were you, I wouldn't keep pushin' my luck, Mister Porter Bridges."  
Sam huffed and glanced away, trying to calm his anger so he wouldn't fuck things up any more between them. He was mostly frustrated because Higgs' annoyance with him was absolutely justified, but at the same time, so was Sam's fear of his new partner's intentions. Reigning in these complicated feelings as best he could, Sam put his arms around Higgs and rested his hands on the small of his back.  
"I'm sorry. This is just… a lot. You heard what he said, right? The UCA might be looking into who you are."  
Higgs just shrugged.  
"Whatever. They can come and get me if they want to get eaten by a catcher. Don't look at me like that, Sam. I'm not a man to be trifled with. You know that."  
"Just take it easy. Do you have anywhere else to stay besides that old shelter?"  
Higgs shook his head.  
"No, but it's fine. Just needs a woman's touch. Think Lou's up to the job?"  
Sam chuckled as Lou heard her name and made some noises in response. He held Higgs a little closer and looked between him and Lou for a moment, his heart feeling worryingly full and warm. He tried desperately to ignore the feeling that they could be some kind of little fucked up family, that it'd been something he had been hoping for for a long time. In his heart, he knew it was almost impossible, but the want, the hope was still there, and in that moment it was almost enough.  
Higgs was glancing between the porter's blue eyes and his lips, and said quietly, "Hey, um. C-can I… can I kiss you?"  
Butterflies filled Sam's abdomen. This was the Higgs he couldn't stop falling for, that was fucking up his life even more than the man had when he was trying to kill him. The shy, gentle Higgs that only seemed to pop up every once in a while, just when Sam had started to wonder if he'd only imagined him ever being that way.   
Sam nodded, breathless, and braced himself, unsure of what it would feel like to be kissed by another man.   
Hesitantly, Higgs closed his eyes slightly and leaned in, pressing his lips to Sam's. It was an awkward, quick, almost too careful kiss, and the porter chuckled to himself as he realized the implication of it. Higgs looked slightly worried afterward, looking at his face as if for an explanation for the laugh.   
Sam pulled him close for another kiss, this time tilting his head slightly and running his tongue over his lips and into his mouth. Higgs made a small sound in the back of his throat and lapped his tongue against Sam's, running a hand through his long hair and pulling gently. When they broke apart for air, Higgs' face was flushed and his eyes were glazed over with a euphoric expression.  
"That was... That was…"  
"Your first kiss, huh?"  
Higgs' brows knitted and he looked a little nervous.  
"Um… yeah. First consensual one, anyway."  
"Well, you can get all the practice for consensual kissing you want with me."  
Higgs laughed and leaned in for another, and then another, and another, his hands roaming over the other man's body lightly, shyly. Sam lost track of how long they sat there making out, but eventually pulled away.  
"Um. My legs fell asleep."  
"Oh, uh. Sorry. I guess the bed might be better for this. Wait, no, that's too soon, right?"  
Seeing Higgs this flustered and out of his element was really endearing to the porter, and as he got up to stretch his poor legs, he tried to offer his support.  
"It's fine. We've already slept next to each other a couple times already, anyway."  
"Yeah, but… I guess."  
They moved to the bed, both looking a little nervous. The room was palpable with the change in mood, that something had changed between them, and Sam felt like he was suffocating in it.   
The shorter man sat up against and wall and held Higgs close, and soon enough they were kissing again, slowly and patiently, as if they had all the time in the world. Higgs' hands were still shaking as he held onto Sam, occasionally grabbing at his hair or his arms, practically buzzing with adrenaline.   
He broke out of a kiss to latch his mouth onto Sam's neck, sucking and biting along its length before licking over his Adam's apple, a soft possessive growl rumbling from chest. The feeling and sound shot straight to Sam's groin and he whined and squirmed under Higgs' attentions.   
A large calloused hand slid under his shirt and groped at his abs and chest, at the scar where his belly button should be. The room was suddenly agonizingly hot.  
As quick as it started, Higgs pulled away and looked into the other man's eyes, breathing heavily.  
"I feel real light-headed, Sam."  
"Take it easy. You don't have to do anything you don't want to."  
"I... Yeah, I know. Um… Sam. Are we, um. Like. A couple now? Like, exclusive?"   
Higgs shifted awkwardly and seemed ashamed at even asking, his eyes shy again.  
"I think so? If that's what you want. I mean, it's what I want. I certainly wouldn't want to share," Sam muttered, running his hands under Higgs' shirt and up his bare back. The man breathed a laugh in response, his face red, and rested his head on Sam's shoulder, still shaking gently.  
"Yeah. Me neither."  
They stayed in that position for a while, Sam just rubbing circles on his back and Higgs' breath, hot and loud in his ear, slowly evening out.   
"You're so different like this," Sam finally admitted carefully, running a hand through Higgs' hair gently. "And before you get mad, it's not a bad thing. It's just… so different from the sides of you I saw before… all of this happened."  
Higgs just grunted noncommittally.   
"You gettin' sleepy again?"  
"Uh huh," Higgs sighed, "this flu or whatever is kickin' my ass. My stamina sucks."  
Sam hummed and kissed his forehead.  
"No fever at least. You seem to be healing pretty fast. We'll have to get you back to your shelter probably tomorrow."  
Higgs chuckled and mumbled, "that old dump. You'll stay with me there, right?"  
"Long as I can. It's a bit small, though, and there's no bed."  
"We'll spruce it up. Got that chiral printer anywho. Um… hey, Sam. I hope I won't be takin' this too slow for you. I ain't exactly, um… experienced. I mean, I am, but not when I actually care. If that makes sense," he stammered, sitting up on Sam's lap to look down into his face, his own pink with embarrassment.  
"Makes sense to me. I wouldn't really want it any other way, to be honest," Sam said thoughtfully, before chuckling, "You sure you're the same guy who licked my face at Edge Knot?"  
Higgs grimaced and ducked his head to hide it in the other man's shoulder.  
"Dammit. I was in a… very different state of mind. Megalomania. Drunk off my power, and Amelie's power. Didn't help that my libido was off the damn charts whenever I was around you. I could barely think straight most of the time."  
"I'd guess you weren't thinkin' straight," Sam laughed, and ducked as Higgs swatted at his head.  
"Stupid. Ugh. Remembering those days is… weird. I didn't... think anything like this would've been possible. Certainly never thought you'd ever let me do anything to you willingly. Uh. I'm glad I never went too far with that now," he mumbled, sounding thoroughly embarrassed.   
The idea that Higgs was actually lusting after him back then was something that he'd already figured, but hearing him actually admit it gave him a thrill. It didn't help that he was currently sitting on top of him, his weight and heat and the feel of his skin making the porter's body feel electric with arousal.   
"What did--what did you wanna do to me back then, huh?"  
Higgs paused before laughing and leaning back to sit up again.  
"Don't tell me that kinda thing gets you excited, Sammy. Never took you for a kinky guy."  
"I mean," Sam stammered, shrugged and glanced away, face heating up with a blush, "I'm just--uh, curious. Is all."  
A toothy grin slowly formed on Higgs' face and he leaned his face in close to Sam's. The expression reminded him of the kind he would make during their past encounters; an almost predatory smirk.  
"Well, well, well. Let's see," he purred, voice low and gravelly, "what did I want to do with little ole Sam Porter Bridges. Tie em up with that strand of his, take him away and have my way with him. Or maybe get some gazers to hold him down for me. I reckon a daydream I had nearly every day was gettin' you to deliver somethin' to that old shelter, inviting you in and then cornering you there. Maybe it wouldn't have to be too forceful. I think I'd rather have wooed you, you know."  
Squirming a little, the porter breathed heavily under him, unable to conceal a grin. There was something slightly disturbing to him that the thought of Higgs stalking and taking him, at a time before he'd even really been that interested in him, turned him on as much as it did, but he tried to stifle the thought at the moment.  
"Well, I guess you accomplished that mission."  
"Ha. I didn't even do anything."  
"Hm. You're really cute, though. I mean, aesthetically, I always thought that, even back when all I wanted to do was punch you. But this side of you is just… so damn cute."  
A mortified frown creased Higgs' blushing face.  
"Oh, shut up, will you. I just told you I wanted to tie you up and fuck you without consent and here you are sayin' that like I'm some innocent young thing."  
"Don't get me wrong, you're fucked up and scary. But you're cute, too."  
"I think you've lost your marbles, Sammy. But I'll gladly take advantage of that."  
Higgs moved to lay on the bed and pulled Sam down with him, and held him close, pressing a kiss to his lips.   
"Oh, Sam," he sighed between kisses, a mixture of desperation and passion in his voice, "I've just wanted you all to myself for too damn long."  
After a while of making out, the shorter man gasped gently as Higgs rolled his hips into his own, and gripped the back of his shirt.  
"Fuck. Sam. Oh, Sammy," Higgs moaned unabashedly, grinding their crotches together a few more times before stopping abruptly, panting and shaking.  
"Th-this is too much. I think. Oh, God. I-I almost… already."  
Sam chuckled softly, his own voice strained with arousal, and took the other man's face to his for another deep, passionate kiss. He slid his hand down from his chest to his abdomen to his lower belly, taking his time to grope at the lean muscles. As his hand went lower and undid the button on his pants, Higgs' breath hitched and he moved away quickly, his breathing ragged.  
"N--. Hold on. I'm so. Overstimulated. Jesus, Sam."  
"Just take it easy."  
"I--I can't. Not around you."  
"I'm... Sorry?"  
He laughed, his voice husky and almost pained, and took Sam's hand into his own and placed a chaste kiss onto his skull tattoo.  
"I guess it might've been for the best I didn't try and seduce you back then. You woulda laughed at me, being all undone and cummin' from just being touched by you."  
The shorter man just smirked and shrugged, gazing down at the hand holding his own. As much as scenarios like that were oddly sexy, this kind of closeness and romance was something he craved on an altogether deeper level.   
"It's… it's a lot for me, too," he murmured, and paused before asking, "uh, why are you so into me, anyway? I kinda don't get it."  
"You mean other than that I'm the most hopelessly in love an idiot could get? You're admirable. Strong. Got a hell of a punch. Hey, maybe you can use those strong hands on me someday," he purred, and gave a wink before continuing, "I don't know, Sam. It was love at first sight. I wish I were kiddin', so I'd feel less pathetic. Now if you're askin' why I'm so possessive, I'd say… why wouldn't I be? This world is fucked and always treated me like shit. I just want this one thing. This… relationship. Now that I have you, I'll be damned if I'd ever let you go. You'd have to kill me to keep me away."

There was an air about him and a dangerous glint in his eyes that gave less of a romantic feel to what he was saying than a threatening one, and it made Sam feel slightly on edge, no matter how much he understood why he'd feel that way. The post-stranding world was one of semi-lawless chaos, people desperate to cling on to some semblance of normalcy and survival under the constant threat of Timefall, BTs, void outs and doomsday nightmares. Oxytocin was rare to come by, especially in its natural state produced by the brain itself. Even in better times, people clung to what little good they had in their lives; nowadays, it was almost impossible to have a perfectly healthy relationship in such an unhealthy time. 

"I'm not your property, you know. I already feel bad enough being associated with Bridges and having these stupid cuffs."  
"Mmhm. Your independent streak is part of that sexy mystique. But I'd follow you to the end of the world, anyway... Again, I guess."  
"Don't tell me you're just replacing Amelie with me."  
Higgs snorted and reached up to cup Sam's cheek. The shorter man leaned into the touch, his eyes softening.  
"Apples and oranges, Bridges," Higgs murmured, leaning in to place kisses along his cheek and the side of his lips, before capturing his mouth again.  
Sam rolled them over so that he was on top, still kissing back hungrily, and lifted up Higgs' shirt to feel his chest again. The former terrorist began squirming again, panting and then trying to weakly push Sam off of him.  
"I--Sam, I'm--I'm," he whined, pushing at Sam's chest as he sucked at the other man's throat. His laugh in response seemed to vibrate into Higgs' chest.  
"Looks like I'll have to take care of this," the porter sighed, and leaned back to unzip and pull down Higgs pants and underwear, ignoring the other man's stammering about being too close. It was obvious enough anyway, his erection curving toward his stomach and leaking pre-cum.   
After only a slight hesitation during which he wondered how long he'd last, Sam took Higgs' dick into his mouth and sucked on the head. He hadn't expected it, but the taste wasn't horrible, and if anything the act and Higgs' reaction to it just turned him on even more.  
Higgs practically cried out with a moan and was clawing at the bed, legs on either side of Sam shaking.   
Sam grinned around his cock and took it into his mouth as deep he could, gripping the base and bobbed his head a few times before feeling it hardening quickly under him. He focused on the head then, and sucked while pumping the base, hand twisting slightly.  
"Jesus--Sam, oh Sam," Higgs moaned, and grabbed at his hair, gently pushing the other man's head further down into his crotch, "this is--fuck, Sam, I--I'm gonna--"  
Just as he'd warned him, Sam felt his cock throb in his mouth and salty semen shoot into the back of his throat, which more out of reflex than anything he swallowed. There was so damn much, and it made him feel momentarily sick at the texture of all of it. Higgs jerked his hips at each shoot, and then fell back onto the bed, shivering and panting.   
"Oh my God. Oh, Sam," Higgs kept repeating, his tone sounding more and more exhausted, as his hand fell from his wavy brown hair.   
Sam popped his mouth off and cuddled next to Higgs, resting his head on his shoulder and breathing heavily along with him. His erection still tented his pants painfully, but he'd wait until the other man had recovered. Higgs pulled Sam into his arms and kissed him sloppily, moaning into his mouth softly. Sam groaned in response and ground his crotch into Higgs' side.   
"Oh," Higgs chuckled, and looked his lover up and down slowly, "sorry. I guess I owe you, huh."  
Large rough hands flipped them over and pushed Sam into the bed, and soon enough had his shirt up, a heated mouth kissing and licking seemingly every handprint and scar he had. Still touch-starved, the porter panted and moaned when Higgs sucked at a particularly sensitive spot on his waist, and gasped when his cock was freed from his pants with one swift pull.   
Higgs was mumbling loving and reverent soliloquies but they barely registered to Sam under the heat and touches, particularly as he used that large hand to stretch and pump his erection.  
"Fuck, Higgs," he moaned, bucking his hips into his hand.  
"You're so fuckin' beautiful, Sam," he whispered before running his tongue along the ridge on the underside of his cock, making Sam make even more noise.  
"I've wanted to do this for so fucking long. Want to make you come undone like this," he murmured between sucking his dick and pumping it with his hand, the other groping at one of the porter's bruised and handprinted thighs.   
Before Higgs could take his mouth off of Sam's dick to start talking again, Sam gripped his hair, held him down and fucked his mouth. Higgs made a surprised gurgle and gagged for a second, but held down on Sam's thighs and took it obediently, looking up into the porter's face with his blue eyes tearing up.  
Seeing those eyes looking at him was enough to send him over the edge.  
"Oh, shit. Higgs!" he yelled as he came down his throat, holding his head down as he did so. He groaned as Higgs swallowed the cum, the feeling of his throat shifting almost too damn much. After a few more thrusts, he let go, his dick falling out of Higgs' mouth, and closed his eyes, completely exhausted and buzzing with pleasure. 

After a moment of resting, he realized Higgs was still sitting there between his legs, staring at him. It was almost eerie; his eyes were clear and focused, fingers tracing the handprints on his legs idly.   
"Is… is something wrong?"  
He shook his head, a smile slowly forming on his pretty face.  
"No. No, I'm just… real happy. This doesn't seem real."  
Sam pulled him close and held him, and Higgs melted into his chest, sighing happily. The strange eerie feeling didn't leave the porter's mind, though, and he vaguely wondered if he wasn't about to be killed in his sleep. But he supposed he would just come back again anyway.  
"I love you, Sam."  
Even though he'd basically said it before, the words sounded more concrete now. More official, more ominous, like a door being closed to a mausoleum. Something strange and heavy sat in Sam's heart, and other than the feeling of love, he couldn't place what the other feelings were.  
"I… I love you too."  
Higgs smiled and kissed his scruffy cheek, and laughed, sounding about as genuinely happy as Sam had ever heard him.   
"You're mine now, Sam Bridges. Wrapped up in my undying love until the heat death of the universe."  
Sam grunted and placed a kiss to his temple.  
"Just go to sleep."  
With another laugh, Higgs made himself more comfortable against the hard muscle of Sam's body, and finally stopped talking.  
Inwardly, the exhaustion and oxytocin of having orgasmed with his lover was battling with a sudden new panic blooming within him about this strange relationship. He couldn't deny his feelings, and had admitted them outright, but a large part of him still couldn't exactly trust Higgs. He didn't know if Higgs could even trust his own mind not to shatter on a daily basis.   
Sam couldn't help but wonder if he was making a huge, ridiculous mistake. That he was practically begging history to repeat itself, and end up in another void-out, breaking his heart and murdering hundreds yet again.   
And then there was the thought that Higgs could die, that he would die someday. The feeling made Sam sick.  
He held the dozing man closer, squeezing him for a moment, listening to his relaxed breathing against his own collarbone.   
The thought of going to sleep, of just having another usual horrible nightmare with these worries in his head didn't exactly appeal to Sam, but his eyelids were drooping quickly. The room was just too comfortable.  
With one more thought about how utterly fucked he was, Sam drifted off into another nightmare.


End file.
